Fears in my head
Some solidifying, some evaporating
Should I listen to others?
Is golden turmeric paste the answer?
Or just forget it all, he has such a happy healthy every day routine
Why is it happening?
What difference does it make? It is. And I will learn from it. We all will.
So why can't it be that the Energy work is reality?
Why can't it be that the Switchwords work?
Why not take for granted that the Energy work and the Numerology and the focusing of energy and thought on health is the most effective cure??
Why think that they are only alternatives?
Why can't allopathy be the alternative?
Is it the power of money? Is it that until we spend money on cures we don't feel like we’ve done anything valid?
We’re doing everything we can. No. We’re doing everything we feel makes sense. We’re choosing what to spend the money on so that he is least harmed and most benefited.
We’re focusing on health, enjoying healthy, happy play, giving love and receiving love, looking at the eye with love and talking to him about the power he has to heal. The power he has to relax and forgive and let the past be and just enjoy the now with us, and enjoy the gift of the present time.
Why not believe that he has chosen us to live his life the way he wants, with love and acceptance and tremendous capacity to charge ahead and enjoy life? He has chosen to leave behind his life in the wild. Perhaps he chose to be born a dog because he wants to give and receive unconditional love.
Our blue-eyed boy, literally! Our one-eyed pirate-puppy!
Thoughts swim to the surface again
Will the doctor think me nuts to ignore the problem now and spend more money on expensive procedures later? Do I think I'm nuts for that reason? Or do I just think that others will think me nuts?
What about me? What do I think? Where is my voice? It is speaking and I know it is always speaking loud and clear. The other voices in my head get in the way… the voices of the judged, the voices of the afraid, the voices of the shamed...even the voices of the logical...those facts and figures… Can anyone escape them? Those all-knowing facts and figures?
Even those who are least judgemental and most supportive and wonderful are still not my inner voice. There is no escaping the truth - I must find my own reality. No amount of advice or support takes away the need to do the work myself.
That’s all it is. Belief.
If I believe, then it is.
That’s what I can do. But I must do it honestly. Feel its power honestly. I cannot pretend to believe. Or rather I can, but it is not belief.
I can choose to believe, deliberately, with intention. Before that, I may need to ask why-nots to allow myself this new belief.
I imagine scenarios… like what if I believed but then something went wrong…. What is the difference? When we are ready to handle each moment on its own, without baggage of the past or future, then these scenarios are jokes. Just take each moment.
One of my favorite things in the world is to have conversations with my DD. The prerequisite though is the emptying of my mind. Once that’s done, there is no limit. Today we started with blank pieces of paper and pencils with the intention to draw. Instead, words started coming out of the pencil. I thought of inventing a new adventure with the Famous Five (one where the chauvinistic idiot character gets what he deserves). But then DD started inventing her own characters for her story. I liked the idea and started on my characters. Then grumbling tummies led us to Chipotle, but the characters kept developing…one from Peru, one from Australia, one gender-nonconforming, one Tibetan Mastiff, etc. Some cookies, oranges and sparkling water later, we somehow got on to the subject of adding negative numbers. More algebra flowed, followed by a discussion about Harry Potter, which led DD to make an interesting observation. She said the one thing she found unrealistic about that series is that some people couldn’t do magic even if they wanted to. Many concepts in the magical world have corresponding concepts in the world we live in, like laws, governments, wars, cultures, etc. The one thing that doesn’t match is the fact that people can do whatever they put their mind to in our world. But in the Harry Potter world, if you’re a muggle or a squib, nothing you do or say can help you do magic…even if it’s something you really want.
I love the flow… it makes me feel alive. It feels natural and easy. The prerequisite is hard though… emptying the mind of judgements, fears, anxiety is hard. Staying in the present moment is hard. But, like many other things, it starts feeling easier and more natural with every empty-minded moment.
what makes people upset?
what is a core reason that causes us to feel upset?
the feeling of not being enough
“i am angry that she does not appreciate me despite everything i did”
but why do we need that appreciation? why do we need that constant feedback?
because how else would i know that i am enough, that i am loved, that i am appreciated, that i am not being taken advantage of, that my loved ones are not being taken advantage of?
but how do i answer these questions to myself?
my own conversations with myself are compromised.
compromised by own long held assumptions
compromised by fears that have plagued me all my life
how do i know when i am speaking the truth to myself?
how do i know when i am lying?
i cannot judge by my gut feelings
my instincts are numbed from years of imprisonment
it is easier to live by rules.
rules that decide what is right and wrong
but the rules you want to apply to yourself, apply equally to you!
let us not labor under the delusion that we always follow the rules that we want others to follow!
some time later i realise…
love is always there
whether we admit it or not
being upset with “someone” only means that i am upset with myself.
the expression of anger is a plea for help, help to remind myself of my worth.
and we are all always on the hunt for ways to recognise our worth.
i know my worth
i know what i mean to people
i know that I’m skilled
i just don’t know how to believe in it enough to make money out of it.
i want money to flow to me in response to me being me. wait…isn’t that already happening?
so wait… its me thinking i want to earn money and feel like i deserve it for my work and effort! meaning, that right now, the money flowing to me is not from my work and effort, even though indirectly it is. but its not enough… i want the money to flow to me also in recognition and celebration of me.
that’s what’s missing… celebrating me…
yes i’ll keep shedding guilt and doing “the work” and doing everything i need to in order to allow myself to be me.
i see possibility in glimpses off and on. then come fear of failure and fear of being insignificant and fear of expending more energy rather than working an inspiration.
sometimes i think that the only way is to pour out honesty in whatever way i can. be it writing or singing or talking or cooking.
yes its pouring out honesty.
it is also the annoyance with the thought that people only appreciate what is readily convertible into either money or fame that brings money or some such like. but then don’t i appreciate that too?
some far off belief is also that there is an intelligence to earning money ….
and that though i don’t want to believe it, i am also almost hiding a small fear of it from myself.
somewhere also is a fear of putting myself out there. my thoughts out there. rejection, being a laughing stock, being one of many, heaven forbid! so then don’t do anything?
living is not separate from thinking about all this.
the work is not apart from all this.
even the people who have jobs and earn money have the same fears…
isn’t that funny…