the work behind the work...

i know my worth
i know what i mean to people
i know that I’m skilled
i just don’t know how to believe in it enough to make money out of it.
i want money to flow to me in response to me being me. wait…isn’t that already happening?
bam whaaa?!
so wait… its me thinking i want to earn money and feel like i deserve it for my work and effort! meaning, that right now, the money flowing to me is not from my work and effort, even though indirectly it is. but its not enough… i want the money to flow to me also in recognition and celebration of me.
that’s what’s missing… celebrating me…
yes i’ll keep shedding guilt and doing “the work” and doing everything i need to in order to allow myself to be me.
i see possibility in glimpses off and on. then come fear of failure and fear of being insignificant and fear of expending more energy rather than working an inspiration.
sometimes i think that the only way is to pour out honesty in whatever way i can. be it writing or singing or talking or cooking.
yes its pouring out honesty.
it is also the annoyance with the thought that people only appreciate what is readily convertible into either money or fame that brings money or some such like. but then don’t i appreciate that too?
some far off belief is also that there is an intelligence to earning money ….
and that though i don’t want to believe it, i am also almost hiding a small fear of it from myself.
somewhere also is a fear of putting myself out there. my thoughts out there. rejection, being a laughing stock, being one of many, heaven forbid! so then don’t do anything?
living is not separate from thinking about all this.
the work is not apart from all this.
even the people who have jobs and earn money have the same fears…
isn’t that funny…

​veena